Maybe I just need more popcorn . . .

Life isn't like the movies, so they say (frequently followed by slight shrug and a quick change of topic). Well, I've made a decision: I'm not having it anymore. Life is just going to have to shape up and start behaving itself. And I'm not putting up with one of those gritty "slice of life" dramas either. No way! I want my life to be like a 1930s comedy, one starring, say, Katherine Hepburn.

You see, ever since I was a child, I have wanted to be Katherine Hepburn ... or Audrey Hepburn ... a Hepburn of some kind anyhow. My mum was an old movie buff, and I spent a fair chunk of my childhood watching the movie marathons on PBS (back-to-back movies all weekend – yum!) and the weekly double-feature on Saturday Night at the Movies on TVO (Ontario's public broadcasting service). And most of them, at least in my memory, were black-and-white features from the 1930s and 40s, with the occasional 1950s musical thrown in for good measure.

So, growing up in the 70s & 80s, I was more familiar with Cary Grant and Fred Astaire than Al Pacino and Paul Newman, and felt more at home with Judy Garland and Shirley Temple than Jodi Foster or Jane Fonda. But, in my child’s mind, Katherine Hepburn stood above them all – followed closely by the lovely Audrey.

Katherine was tall, elegant, intelligent, charismatic, and witty beyond belief. Audrey was tiny, but equally elegant and utterly captivating with her boundless enthusiasm, million-watt smile, and those enormous, luminous eyes. As you may – or may not – know, Hepburns always ... well, almost always ... dressed beautifully and had adventures with fascinating men in exotic locals such as Paris, Rome, and upstate New York. And, because they were clever and charming and determined, they always figured out what to do to make things work out right by the time the credits rolled.

In many ways, these two women, and the roles they played, formed my beliefs about what MY life could – and should – be. In the films of 30s and 40s, heroines were generally powerful and smart, enthusiastic, charming, well-dressed and witty. They were the equal of any man – and more than a match for most – and they did what needed to be done. More often than not, they got what they wanted: usually (but not always!) the man and the occasional puppy . . . or tiger.

Bluntly, I LOVED these movies – still do.

As a kid, I was very tall, a bit overweight, and ferociously intellectual (in the sense of using book-smarts as a defensive weapon). What’s more, I had no athletic ability and precious few social skills – particularly during those oh-so-memorable teen years. I rarely had any clue what to do to make anything “work out right” ... and I was certainly not beautiful, witty, charming or well-dressed! (You can imagine the desert that was my social life - except for the oasis provided by my best – well, only – friend, Sister Staceypatrick.) So, the Hepburns – and their silver-screen kin – gave me something to aspire to and the hope that there was a world in which the smart girls were also beautiful, glamorous and charming, and led wonderful lives. Sitting in my living-room with yet another bag of potato chips, I figured if I could just become more like them, my life would automatically turn out like the ones I saw flickering across the t.v. It was a nice, simple equation.

Of course, it hasn’t quite worked out that way (although I can’t really complain). In my quest for a life ‘just like the movies’ I forgot to factor in one essential thing – a really good scriptwriter. I’m all ready to roll of course, but life, I’m sad to say, is just mucking about in its trailer and refusing to learn its lines.

So, if anyone out there knows of a top-quality wordsmith specialising in comic banter, zany adventures and – above all else – happy endings, please let me know. I’ve got all the source material right here.

In the meantime, I guess I’ll try banging on the trailer door again. Sigh!