Thursday, October 26, 2006

This time next week ...

I will be on an airplane ...

Somewhere over the Pacific ...

On my way to ... (wait for it) ...



... Ok. Maybe my life doesn't so much suck after all. :)

I'm not sure how much time (or Internet access) I'll have while Down Under, so I might be out of touch with everyone for a few weeks. I'll post my adventures (such as they are) when/if I can ... otherwise expect some EPIC blogging from me the first couple of weeks of December.

In the meantime, I'll be thinking about you.

Be well. Be happy. Take care of yourselves.


Ink ... the World-Traveller.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Waste Not Want Not

When all is said and done, I lead a thin, sterile little life. It hurts to write these words, and it hurts to know they’re true. But they are.

My life – this precious thing – is wasting away by moments. I work, I eat, I sleep, I read newspapers and novels and I watch t.v. I shop for groceries and do housework. I play the piano – alone – and I knit. I don’t go out, because I don’t have anyone to go out with (Himself is very content with a quiet, solitary life) and I wouldn’t know where to go if I did.

I didn’t mean it to be this way – my plans were quite different, really. I was going to be … wonderful. I was going to be generous. wise. passionate. fun. loving. beloved. strong. I was going to make a difference – to someone, somewhere. I was going to be happy.

So what happened?

In a nutshell, I happened. I have known (in my heart of hearts I have known) that I am simply Not Good Enough. Not smart enough. Not friendly enough. Not wise or strong or fun enough. Not decisive enough. Not competent to be in charge. Not loving enough. Not worthy.

So instead I play it safe. I’m cautious about what I do, whom I let in to my life, what I choose to experience … and what I choose to avoid. I indulge my self-doubt with a rich diet of “I-couldn’t-do-THAT-s,” and ignore the fact that I am starving myself of life. And I AM starving – for richness, for passion, for depth and meaning and purpose. For, ultimately, some kind of connection with the world.

[Does this sound self-pitying? Yup. Al-right-y then, let’s add another loop in the “not good enough” chain. Hmmm, I think I’ll call this one “Too whiny.”]

Over the past year or so, though, I have finally started to understand what is meant by the saying “What you fear, you create.” I am angry that I have spent so much of my life feeding this gluttonous child of fear and doubt – this spiritual cannibal – who is both myself and not myself. But I also know it is time to let go, since my anger simply sustains the beast.

While I’m nowhere close to fear-free yet, I can at least now see my enemy/myself for who – and what – she is. And, you know what? She’s just not good enough. NOT. EVEN. CLOSE.

Instead, I am turning my attention to my thin, neglected waif of a life. She doesn’t deserve to be hungry and afraid. She hasn’t done anything wrong. Nothing at all, except that she doesn’t stand up for herself very well. And, what’s more, she has waited patiently for me to discover a simple, startling truth. When I am not afraid, I feel beautiful. I become beautiful. And we blossom.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Blub ... blub ...

I am almost literally drowning in paper this week.

A little while ago I was assigned the role of "chief editor" for our division. In real terms, what this means is that virtually every document, presentation and "formal" e-mail to be shared outside our group gets run by me first.

While I am usually quite happy to use my (considerable) powers of pedantry for the greater good, I have been suffering a deluge of documents - electronic and paper - over the past few days as a big deadline looms. I am juggling, at current count - two documents that need to be finalised before tomorrow morning, one presentation and one document that need to be reviewed by the end of day tomorrow, and another document that needs input by Friday. One more item should arrive on my desk(top) sometime on Tuesday ... and I don't dare think any further ahead than that.

At the same time, I'm trying to keep up with my own (full-time!) job - which involves a fair amount of "quick-and-dirty" research, a lot of writing, much bugging of people for information, and many, many, MANY meetings.

Actually, I think I might just about be able to cope if one-or-another of my colleagues didn't keep popping into my office every half-hour to let me know about THIS, or make sure I was aware of THAT, or reassure themselves that I haven't forgotten about THIS THING OVER HERE.

Don't get me wrong ... I really like my job. I work with smart, funny and supportive people, the work itself is pretty interesting, and I'm intrigued by the process and tactics involved in achieving consensus, support and, ultimately, approval. Overall, I am the proverbial happy camper.

I'm to the point now, though, of being strongly tempted to put a sticky-note on my computer saying "Gone for tea. Back in 2010. Until my return, just write the damn thing yourself."

Well, at least the tea is a possibility ....